lilpim.blogspot.com

Chapter 69: Forget Me Not

2012-01-23T11:27:00.000-06:00

Finding strength, losing hope. Finding myself, but not always where I want to be.
God.
The ever-present One.
It's incredible how the times I see it most clear are the times when I have nothing to give to Him. I don't like getting things, I don't like charity, and I don't like "owing" people; therefore I try to give, I try to be better, I try to stay on top so that whatever the outcome may be, I'll still be able to live with myself.

It never works.

Always, and I repeat ALWAYS, the moment that I find what I have been giving everything for is the moment I collapse from the weight of it all and shrink back upon the last wall laying behind me, as if I can't take one more breathe, and somehow I do. Somehow I breathe.

THAT! That is when I see I've done it again... tried to make it in my own strength. Wanted what I wanted... again. Will I ever learn? Will I ever be who I know He wants me to be? Will I ever see the steps I am supposed to take to get there?

God and I... we have this special relationship.

He loves me. He never stops loving me.

One time I was driving in my car, completely distraught and worried about some issue (that I honestly cannot recall now) and I was so upset that I looked at the sky and said, "...and even the sun won't shine!". I was asking God where he was in all this. No sooner had I said those words, the clouds parted and the sun peaked out whispering, "I'm here, Pam. I always am." I started crying. Why is it that my carnal nature always questions? Where was I when God crafted the sun and hung in in the sky? Where was I when he weaved my life into existence? Where was I when he protected me from every evil that tried to come against me? I was living in the blessing that I had so forsaken.

I find myself here again. The crossroads. Which do I chose?

Hope? The unknown. The road that will definitely hold a prize I cannot even comprehend.

Or Skepticism? The familiar. Always think the worse... it can't get any worse than that.

How can I even question this? I know hope leads to good... but I want to choose the familiar. The dark place inside my soul where I hold onto my fear like a dead animal. Stinking, rotting... but mine.

Human nature leads to self destruction. We are not good. God is good. God never stops calling us out of ourselves. He never stops when we think we have chosen right for ourselves. He is the only one that never stops believing in us, the only one who will never stop fighting for us, and the ONLY one who will never stop being good. He is Hope. What a remarkable God we serve.

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, sure and strong. It enters behind the curtain in the Most Holy Place in heaven, where Jesus has gone ahead of us and for us. He has become the high priest forever, a priest like Melchizedek. - Hebrews 6:19

When we have nothing else, we always have Hope.

Chapter 68: Light

2011-10-11T16:40:00.000-05:00

Today, I sip on my favorite coffee in the world (or at least the parts that I have traveled) and finish my delectable plain bagel paired with it's sister, plain cream cheese. The bagel was so good, I'm tempted to lick the knife that gave me the cheese, but I restrain myself.

These past few weeks have given me time of my own to be pensive and solemnly wait upon the future. I have found myself shaken yet grounded, lost yet never alone, and constantly undeserving of God's faithfulness. These words rightly do not sound as if they should be matched, but nonetheless, they are exactly my point. We are but humans in a world that is purely imperfect, yet however far we think we wander away from any call or purpose, we find that there is One person always making us strong.I recently listened to a sermon where the pastor began to explain a verse that is as well known as it is powerful: Ps. 119:105 - Your word is like a lamp for my feet and a light for my path. Well, the pastor began explaining that in those days, people would walk with something similar to an "ankle lantern" around one of their feet and it would literally light the earth enough to see the next footfall. This explanation brought, no pun intended, a whole new "light" to the verse for me. Though we may not be able to see our entire future or purpose or calling at one time, God's word never leaves us without the next move. God is a God of answers and He never fails. This has become my anchor as I strive to work out my salvation daily.

Yet again, thank God for God.

Chapter 65: Everything

2011-06-10T11:12:00.003-05:00

I've been asking God for awhile now, "Change me, who do you want me to be? What do you want to change in me." He's recently spoken. "Everything."

I'm now who I never thought I'd be
Once a wound spool of thread,
now a thin pile of lavender string.
I'll be honest, I thought I had it all:
Safety, contentment, drive...
But in the harbor of my all-enclosing walls
Someone broke through and found me half-alive.
Hard as hard can be, I didn't try to stop it
I wanted to, you can believe that
All my fears were coming
They're here even though i tried running.
If this was who I have always been,
Once a wound spool of thread,
Rip me to peices, take out all of my sin!
Now I'm starting over in my loosened state
I find myself feeling lost more than ever before
But I don't think I can ever change
If I always just stay the same.
Love is hard if you've never known it
Love is different than I've ever seen it.
It will not be ignored
And I thank God for that.

Chapter 64: Mind Blown

2011-06-07T10:25:00.002-05:00

I am at a point where I am confused about a great deal many things. The things that I was once so sure of have recently been proved utterly wrong.

I remember a night when I was praying and crying so hard that I got a terrible headache. I was praying for the healing of my uncle. After a short while I felt that I had a word from the Lord and I retired into slumber, at peace with what had happened in my prayer time. Before I fell asleep, I sent a message to my parents asking them to call when they woke up because I had some hope, hope that they could feast on and that could grow inside of them as it was growing in me. Everything was going to be just fine. Everything was going to be good... after all, God works all things out for the good of those that love Him, right?

My parents called in the morning, I shared my experience with them and told them that I had discovered the difference between faith and hope and that I had real faith this time for my uncle (my father's brother) to be healed and because it was true faith... it would happen. We didn't need to worry, we simply didn't need to. He was going to be fine. Four months later, uncle passed away leaving behind 4 children high school and under and a wife who had just found out she has a serious medical problem. He passed away on the night of his oldest daughter's senior prom and was buried on he and his wife's 21st anniversary. Wow. How could so much happen to one family?

Not only does my heart literally ache for their home... I'm confused. I had faith. I felt so at peace with his healing. I knew that night beyond anything that my uncle was going to be healed from his cancer and God was going to get all the glory. Did I not pray enough? Did my faith decrease? Was I talking about something I had no clue about? I can say to this day that when I got the call he had passed away, I was surprised. I wanted to ask my mom, "Are you sure? Check again."

I talked to so many people after my nighttime prayers about how different faith and hope were. "Hope is not being sure of something, but wishing it to happen, and faith is knowing that what you believe will happen." I almost explained it as I didn't know this before and that's why the other people I had prayed for hadn't been healed. I guess... after all of this... I am still clueless.

I haven't given up hope. I'm still looking for the answers and God is always the one I turn to. None of this has made me stop believing God is who He is, but I won't lie... I did take a step back for a minute. I didn't understand to such the extent that I wanted time to understand before I sought God for anything again. I assure you... this is not the answer. I came to Franklin a few weeks after my uncle's death and went to church with my friend Kendra. God... in His profound omnipotence, never stopped thinking about my situation. The very first sermon that Sunday was on hope building our faith. My goodness, I did not want to listen. However, I did.. and through tears I tried holding back, but that escaped down light streams on my face, I told God, "I don't know how to believe."

Psalm 136:23 He remembered us in our weakness. His faithful love endures forever.

2 Cor. 9:12 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I cannot boast enough about how God has never given up on me. I continue to seek God on what all of this meant or means... the answer to what faith is, how to trust... but for now, I am weak. I hope this continues to be the tattoo across my face. I cannot do anything without the strength and power of Christ. Here I am Lord, confused and broken. Do what you will.

2 Corinthians 12:10 That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Chapter 63: Franklin

2011-05-17T14:04:00.003-05:00

Today is my first entire day of the summer spent in the beautiful Franklin, TN area. Currently, I am sitting in a starbucks in this wealthy county listening to the sounds of Yo-Yo Ma playing The Swan. No, it's not on the Starbucks radio, it's through my earbuds. It's one of my favorites.

I've spent the morning driving around and placing applications at various places for extra work. Marshalls, fingers crossed. It's a chilly day, and the sun refuses to show it's self, but that's ok. I start my internship tomorrow! I'm excited.

Since school finished up in early May, I've had plenty of time alone to rest, relax, and think. Free time often gets me in trouble. I think so much about all the things I'm unsure about: money, job, future, security, who I want to be, who I really am, responsibility, and any other worrisome thing you can think of. Then... because as I have recently discovered, I am a person who is almost always stressed out, I stress. My dad says I need to get this under control for the sake of my health (and I'm only 21). Upon the recommendation of someone very close to me, today, in this blog, I've decided to do the opposite. I'm going to tell you what I'm grateful of and what I'm proud of.

1. I made it here. I've worked hard, busted my buns at some points, but I've made it to a place I've been only once and am embarking on an adventure that will test my capabilities. How could this not be good?

2. I'm in love. Sometimes I can't fall asleep because these words keep dancing across my brain like wisps of sweet cotton candy blowing in the wind. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

3. My life is ahead of me. Whatever turns my life may take, God always has a plan. No matter how much I could screw this up, God has the perfect next step for me. I'm protected, I'm taken care of, and I'm never forgotten. This is the most comforting thing I could ever feel. To be never forgotten. How incroyable. (I felt it needed to be said in french)

4. I'm free. I could run around this city, arms open wide screaming, "BLLLAAAHHHH" and tomorrow, I could leave. This sounds awesome.

I'm on an adventure. I've got so much to look forward to. I'm ready to meet God in a new way, on a different level. I'm so ready to be changed. I'm ready for something different.

Bring. It. On.

Well, that's all I have for today.

Until our next hello,

Pamela

Chapter 61: Coming Clean

2011-02-04T11:18:00.003-06:00

Pride. When I think of pride, the opposite is humility. Now, in my recent experience, I'm learning that trust and humility could possibly be a dual sided coin. For the prideful person, ultimate humility is to trust. Trusting someone is putting that person in the position to fail you, to hurt you, to surprise you, and possibly to make you happy. For the prideful person, however, only one of these options sounds good and even that option has the word "possibly" in it, therefore negating the probability for a good outcome. With this in mind, allow me to come clean.

I am a prideful person. Though I will often put myself in the spotlight simply to embarrass myself for a laugh, my real pride is never damaged. Honestly, I try to never put myself in the position of allowing someone to think something of me that I haven't "led" them to believe. My mind will play out entire conversations before I even speak one word. If there is a possibility of that conversation turning sour, I won't start. In this way, I have manipulated my appearance and reputation (in my head) to be strong and independent when in reality I am self conscious and weak. I have allowed few people to get close to me. When someone begins to unravel my secret, I pull back and tell myself this is not what I want. In my leadership positions, I do not expose my weakness' for fear of losing what respect I have gained. This is me.

Even now, as I write these things I fear that everything I have worked toward appearing has been futilely swept into a truck stop toilet and is now getting ripped apart with bristles of a toilet bowl brush. (overdramatic? ...didn't you miss me?) When I feel like this I'll take it as a hint... I've got more pride left.

Now that I've recognized another and not yet final part of myself that must change in order to become more like my Creator, I don't know what to do. I fear that the solution to my pride is to be publicly humiliated. I don't think this is necessarily true. What I brought up in the first paragraph is where I think God is growing me and what I think He's teaching me from this recognition.

God has brought me to a place of learning to trust. For the first time a few weeks ago I literally told God that I trusted Him with every ounce of my being. I took my heart in my hands and said, "I can't do it anymore". For me, this was humbling. God is the God of the universe. Doesn't he have "bigger fish to fry"? Doesn't He in some way need my help? These truly were never questions that I had put into words for God, but by my actions... I was saying them. I had to understand that I can't and will never be able to do it all. Not only that, I can't do ANYTHING without first being His.

The second level of trust He is now taking me through is trusting Him and His spirit through other people. I lept one hurdle, and found three more waiting two steps away. God, I did it! I confessed I couldn't do it! Wasn't that enough? God said, "Hah." I'm so fortunate to have strong Christian people in my life. People who I know have a personal and intimate relationship with Christ. Why shouldn't I be able to trust them? Pride. Though I "trusted" God, I couldn't trust His people? Yes, people are human and people will fail... guaranteed. But God never does. God is consistent. God shows consistency how to be consistent. If God is in control, if God is God of everything, all I need to do is trust. Trust that His motives are for me, trust that He's got it under control.

This is where I am. Always learning, always growing. Trust. How sweet is that?

Chapter 57: Again... and again

2010-10-27T19:54:00.004-05:00

I am constantly being brought back. I have what one might call "re-occuring" thoughts.

Again, I began thinking about my Weakness As Inability chapter, posted this past summer and how we as Christians deem when in it right and correct to forgive people. We become the judge. This is disturbing and wrong.

This past weekend I began thinking of the distance Christians place between themselves (ourselves) and as we like to say "the world." (a popular "Christianese" term I hate) Rather than becoming Jesus' actual hands, feet, mouths, and voices, we choose to judge people from a far off pedestal, on which we have placed ourselves. I am blessed with a friend who violated this boundary and placed herself in a situation where she began to understand another part of American culture; a part that most Christians don't want to acknowledge exists, or if they do, they vomit on it and walk away.

Unacceptable.

My friend spent time being Jesus and planting seeds in a place unknown to real love. What an example. I began thinking how Christians, in general, divide the righteous from the unrighteous and essentially eliminate their field of ministry and instead focus on the "safe" people within the church. (This topic of coarse negates missionaries and some pastors. I am mainly speaking in terms of you and I people who are working out our Christian faith as a lifestyle rather than a once-a-week obligation.) When do we begin to cross the divide of good and evil and begin searching for the truly lost and invest time and love into people without slapping their faces with sick religiosity?

How do we show love?

Real love.

How do we love people who don't want forgiveness? Is love the key to breaking down walls? If someone doesn't want forgiveness, is it our place to decide they don't deserve love? Did Jesus die for everyone or just his disciples who cared for him?

Who are we to tell people that they are unworthy of love?

Who are you and I to be worthy of love? Because we've changed, now we deserve it? Because we see that it is because of God that we have breath, that's why we deserve love?

In case you were wondering, NO! Jesus died for us before we even heard his name. Jesus died for us before we had breath, Jesus died for us because he loved. Jesus died for us because he saw us in our muck and desired us! Who are we to steal someone's salvation simply because they are in their muck? Do we not all come from evil?

(Feel free to breathe... Breathe in... Breathe out. I felt pretty passionate in those questions. Please don't feel overwhelmed)

I don't really know how to wrap this one up, so I'll simply type the few words left to be repeated:

Love. Truly love.

Chapter 56: Resolution Today

2010-10-13T14:10:00.003-05:00

In an effort to constantly improve myself and my actions, I never let anything I do be satisfying. Because I may be capable of more, it's never good enough. This is not something put on me by outside sources, but a self-inflicted perpetual dissatisfaction. This is not only disappointing to myself, but also irritating to others. Well, here's what.

I am who I am and I do what I do. There is very little that I don't create whole heartedly. Whether that thing is "good" or "beautiful," it's an expression of what I am thinking. I could point out the imperfections, but I will try not to.

Thank you to those who like what I do. And thank you, God for letting me do those things.

Chapter 37: Certain

2010-10-03T10:37:00.000-05:00

Certainty: a firm conviction that something is the cause; the quality of being reliably true.

"I am certain of my faith."

What a paradox. The above statement is saying, "My faith is reliably true." Sure of faith.

John Piper once tweeted, "How faith works. First the angel said to Peter, 'Get up!' Then the chains fell off."

Chapter 55: Satisfaction Ain't Satisfactionin Me

2010-09-23T14:00:00.002-05:00

I try to be strong, but I am weak. I try to be smart, but I lack knowledge. I try to love, but I judge. I try to be there, but when I am needed I am too busy. I try to think, but I have no thoughts. I try to forgive, but I can't. I try to help, but I am unequipped. I try to be wise, but I am illogical. I try to run, but I can only walk. I try to walk, but I crawl. I try to be me, but I just walked away. I try to be nice, but I get angry. I am told to decide, but my decision is wrong. I try to fix it, but I am too late.

I am perfect in only my imperfection.

I am reliable only in that I will not be reliable.

I am human only because I was made this way,

And I am champion because someone lost so I could live.

Why is it that no matter how much I fail or how hard I fall God redeems me? Sometimes it takes me looking at everything wrong I am, I do, I see, I speak, to see how perfect God is, was, and always will be. It takes humanity to see how much we can't. Humanity automatically brings unspeakable glory to God in being what it is because it is so imperfect, that only a perfect one could not only fix it. Praise God for God! Not for what He does, but for who He is. I am saved!

Ps. 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Chapter 54: Weakness As Inability

2010-07-17T15:09:00.007-05:00

I have recently been thinking about how I view weakness and how in general, Christians have fallen into seeing one person's weakness as their inability to do or serve or love or overcome or grow or be "Christian". The judgement into which we fall negates every good thing we try to do or be. Let me try to explain the title of this blog a little more.

As Christians, we long for people to come to us for prayer, for help, for counsel, and for anything. We desire to be like Jesus and help in any way we can, almost always forgetting we need to do the same (a topic for another time). When these people come to us, we hear, we pray, and then we cling to what the person said as if it defines them. If they struggle with servant leadership, they can never lead because they will never be a servant. If they struggle with secret sin, they can never be trusted because they have secrets. If they struggle with pride, they MUST be humbled. In essence, we are more unforgiving than God! So wrong!

We are the hands, feet, and face of Jesus. Jesus gave his life for our forgiveness and we sit in church and decide who deserves it! I praise Jesus my weakness is not my inability! I have no place, nor do you, to treat other's as if their weakness decides who they can and will be. Our weakness does not define us.

On the flip side, our strengths do not define us! What we are good at does not mean we are that strength. Our weakness is not our inability just as our strength is not our ability. This life is not about what we are good at and what we are not. This life is about a Creator who designed us for his glory. Judgement, GO!

Let what Christ has called us to be define who we are and how we treat others. See past inability (and ability) into who God has called others to be as well. This life must be more than a surface level experience. I don't want to live a topographical life. (yes, I've allowed the word topographical to be placed in a sentence where it does not exactly mean what it is defined as, go with me on it.)

I am reminded of a video, "Furious Love", that really shook me and made me think deeper about love. Watch the first part of this clip to see the dream.

Love people where they are. God will do the changing.
Forgiveness is so satisfying.
Forgiveness is like Jesus.
Try it.

Chapter 53: The Missing

2010-07-08T20:11:00.003-05:00

I've jumped feet first into my 2nd Francis Chan book called, "The Forgotten God".

Wow.

It talks about how we acknowledge God and forget the Holy Spirit. I'm only half way through the book, but I am struck at the truth. There is such an importance between the marriage of teaching and experiencing who God is and what he has for us. We have so many fears when it comes to the Spirit. We don't want to be too crazy. We don't want to be too judgmental. We don't want to come off too strong. We don't want to be too emotional. We want to be practical. I could go on forever.

As I read this book, I am relating it first hand to the spiritual growth of my life and my church. I can honestly say that the times when I was growing the most were the times when I was spending time glorifying not only God, but His spirit and His son.

I am one of those who doesn't want to get too crazy. I don't want to be too emotional. I like practical Christianity. How do we love, how do we serve, how do we put the best Jesus face forward?

ITs so good to be challenged. Finding the balance between where we should be in the Spirit and where we need to be in the practical... but then again, where did I get off thinking the Spirit is not practical. My thinking is so different than this book, but it's such a good read!! How can I love without the Spirit living inside me and teaching me how to love. How can I demonstrate the power of God without the Spirit?

I'll have some excerpts to come in future blog posts, but for now... this is all I've got time for.

Chapter 52: Don't Forget Why You're Living

2010-06-21T16:00:00.002-05:00

I am a very purpose driven person. If I have nothing on the large scale agenda, I'm not happy. Literally, not happy. When I am at school I keep myself more busy than I would sometimes like, but I live with it and am energized not by the average 4 hours of sleep I get, but by the call of destiny. Every minute I put forth into school is a minute I'm investing into my future. How could I not be motivated by my very own destiny?

Now, It's June and I work at Fashion Bug.

Don't get me wrong, I've had incredibly open doors into the lives of my co-workers. Even more so than enjoying their company, I'm making contacts and friends that I'm more than blessed to have. I really really like working there. However, as my summer progresses, without the classes, without the deadlines, I find myself more and more not wanting to do anything and falling into a laxidasical state of mind. I am never late to work, and I do anything my parents require of me, but my mind is lagging. Today, as I was working on a new project for my church, writing scripts and developing characters for this summer's vbs, I asked myself the question... why am I living?

It struck me the importance of knowing the answer to this question. I must be living for more than my own future. Though this is indeed a strong motivator, life, as I already know, is bigger than myself. The times when I'm truly joyful are the times when I am effortlessly enjoying God's presence. It's so easy loving God. I am not living for deadlines or personal reputation. I'm not living for motivation, adrenaline, or any other finite emotion. I am living to change what small part of the world I can. This, on my own, no matter how small the part of the world, is impossible. I have been given a call that I don't know how to answer. This is why I am living. I am living because God loves me, because God is sovereign, and because God is God.

I truly think that it's only when we reach the end of ourselves that we can begin to embark on what we are sincerely meant for. It's at the end of ourselves when we stop relying on our own ability and strength to gasp for each breath when we receive an internal invasion of God.

Thank you, Jesus, for life.

Chapter 51: Epic

2010-05-31T11:12:00.002-05:00

I want to douse tennis balls in lighter fluid, build a ring of fire and slingshot the tennis balls through the ring of fire just to see if they'll ignite.

I want an adventure.

I am here with my family; a family who is unique, hilarious, sweet, caring, and ridiculous. I am working with great people at a job that really couldn't be better. I have people who want to be around me. I have a Jesus who loves me unconditionally and no matter where I am, He is there.

This is the good life.

Last night I was viewing some videos I had made in high school and my freshman year of college. They were hit or miss. I really liked some of them, and others I couldn't believe I let other people see. This intense passion to create something beautiful overwhelmed me. I don't want hit or miss creation. I want an epic life. Is this too incredible to ask for? I'm not so sure it is. Can everything I put out be something I am pleased with? I sure hope so. I need more creativity. I need more equipment. I need more focus. I need more God.

Recently a friend from school came to stay with me for a night on her way down to a track meet, where she ended up placing 12th in the nation (wow), and she began to ask me about what I want to do with my life, what does it look like, and where am I going. I knew... but I had never thought it out for fear my own dreams would scare me. To be honest, they do. But isn't that a great place to be? My dreams... I don't know how I could or would accomplish them. But I want to.

Life isn't easy. Dreams take work.

Sometimes I begin to think that if I graduate college the "perfect job" with just come sit in my lap. In the works of Tracey, "ain't gonna hoppen!" I have to work. I have to get disciplined. I have to save. I have to train myself. I have to practice... and practice... and practice.

This summer, I want to create. I want to work on becoming better at what I want to do.

1. Vital Video
2. Be creative
3. Start thinking again
4. Live an epic summer

No matter what the outcome, if I am giving my all... won't it be epic?

Chapter 49: Amazing Grace

2010-04-03T15:11:00.004-05:00

I had a dream last night,
I woke up with my heart very very tight.
Upon thinking further,
I long for forever.

I cannot wait for the day when I close my eyes, and there before me stands Eternity. On that day, when I step forward into the rest of my life, there I will be satisfied. For in that place I will not look at man's fading glory or my endeavors lost, but I will be enthralled by One's beauty so great, I cannot stand. I will bow and lay prostrate, worshipping the only one in deservance of life dedication. In His presence I will say, "Holy holy holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come."

In a day and place where control is lost and chaos is rampant, I feel vulnerable and insignificant. But... sitting in the presence of One so great, hope is not lost. Salvation beckons me to live... it beckons me to give. Christ takes me from me and turns me to love. True love gives... and this love will one day call me home.

Until that day, however, I discover life anew and give. Peace is knowing God. Life is being like Him. Hope is thinking upon Him. Love is giving Him.

I am nothing, but He... He is everything.

No one, nowhere can take Eternity from me.

Of this, I am confident.

Satisfied?

2010-03-30T09:26:00.000-05:00

We're half-hearted creatures fooling with drink & sex & ambition when infinite joy is offered us. We're too easily pleased. - C.S. Lewis

After listening to Ben Rector

2010-03-16T06:36:00.002-05:00

Bliss.

What a great word.

What a great feeling.

What a life.

Even in the most desperate situations bliss wipes all of it away like it never existed, like nothing was ever wrong.

Bliss brings back the childhood joy of discovering an unknown hideout hidden beneath the fallen trees in the backyard.

Bliss is the butterflies accompanied by a burst of adrenaline upon mastering your first bicycle.

Bliss is hiking through the abandoned castle and dreaming of an elegant age where princesses were sought after and love was returned. Where knights were trustworthy and steadfast, where maidens were secure in their strength of women-hood, and where dragons were what made the two draw near.

Bliss is the sweet taste of purity through excitement. Bliss is seeing your biggest dreams fulfilled.

Here is to adventure. Sweet, pure, unrestrained bliss.

p.s. Cammy... you were kinda in this one :)

March 15th summarized.

2010-03-15T14:19:00.000-05:00

Desperate diligence.

I saw this picture.

2010-03-03T13:54:00.001-06:00

I want to go where everything is sepia toned
Where I am myself
and peace is known.
I want to go where the sky sleeps in the grass
Where the morning does not flee
but the night does not last.

I want to be where life is like a story
Where hardships are lost
because of man’s glory.
I want to wake up where life is deemed
Where plasma is hope
And hope is not dreamed.

I want to be where the leafless tree
Is loved to life
And seen as beauty.
I want to be in this place
Not saving face
Or faking grace.

I want to be where I am complete
Made whole by love
In safe retreat.
I want to be where peace is known
Where safety dwells
And where I am never alone.

Chapter 42: Good People

2010-02-20T00:04:00.004-06:00

Crap happens and Jesus is faithful.

Sometimes things happen that are not what we think should happen. People are not who we thought they were and they seem to disappoint us in the most severe ways possibly leaving us desperate for hope. Alas! We learn perseverance, we grow in discernment, and we move on. God has this incredible way of making every awful thing into a good, nay, GREAT learning experiences with even better results. In essence, we dwell on the awful things thinking that they are the end of everything when these experiences are simply the conflict, not the resolution. These things are not the main story only a mere sub-plot in the books of our lives. Thank God!

Tonight I spent the evening with people who were nothing but who they are. They had no pretenses, they just were... and they were funny. We laughed, we talked, we opened up, and it's in those moments you remember the good things. It's in the times when you see genuine goodness that you remember how great God made the world.

I think too often we give so much power to evil and forget that good ALWAYS wins. We aren't on the losing side. We essentially aren't even in a war! We won as soon as Christ said it was done. 2 Corinthians tells us that through salvation we have clothed ourselves with the imperishable, therefore we don't even die! Nothing can stop us, nothing can hinder us, and nothing can force us anywhere God has not destined us. My life was created to bring glory to God and that needs to penetrate down into my soul. Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. What am I saying? My whole point is that these people I was with spoke not man-made wisdom, not knowledgeable nuggets, but life. Their overflow was life. Good people are great encouragement.

I love leaving a "hang out" feeling refreshed and encouraged. Isn't that how true fellowship should be?

Chapter 41: Clear

2010-02-18T23:40:00.002-06:00

Truth.

mmmm, there are few other words that can warm my soul as this word. Truth is so clear. Truth doesn't have to hide or change itself to fit in with what is currently happening; truth just is. Oh! How sweet is this!

Truth is like a semi-sweet hot chocolate with cinnamon in it.

Truth is like blueberry tea with honey.

Truth is honest, clear, untarnished, and pure.

Truth cannot be changed and truth is constant.

Truth is sweet.

Truth can hurt, but the honesty held within overwhelms and brings peace. How in this word can one be unsatisfied? Truth is truth.

Truth is beautiful.

So, so beautiful.

Whatcha Say

2010-02-17T14:01:00.002-06:00

Do you sing worship songs though you don't agree with the theology behind the song?

Can you worship through a song you don't agree with?

Is this over-analytical?

Say you are Arminian in your theology, but a songs says "I can't even worship lest you anoint my heart." Would you sing it? Arminian theology heavily emphasizes the importance of free will and humans making the choice to serve God. The song clearly sates the opposite.

Is this over-analytical?

Say you a Calvinist in your theology, but a song says "I've found Jesus" or something along those lines. Calvinist theology emphasizes God's sovereignty and our inability to make descisions to come to Christ because of human's depravity and inability to see through sin.

So...can we worship even though the song doesn't agree with our theology? If those words do not describe HOW we see God, can we still use those words to describe our love and adoration for Him?

If you were in a service would you change the words as you sing them?

Interesting, I'd say.

Acting

2010-02-17T13:56:00.005-06:00

I think sometimes we think people care more than they do.

I'd say that generally, people are more inwardly focused than seeing who and what other people are about. From the freakishly large update of facebook status' to the constant alarm of new tweets, people want other people to notice, see, listen, and respond to how they feel. However! With this inner longing for security and affirmation, when was the last time the opposite happened. Instead of waiting to be noticed, why have we not noticed someone else.

When was the last time I gave exactly what I needed.

What I Say, What I Do

2010-02-16T20:00:00.002-06:00

I'm caught between a dilemma of what people do and who people are. My question is: do actions define you?

People often times begin a sentence with the simple words, "don't judge me," and continue to say a mistake they commonly make or a joke about a person or place that otherwise would be terribly rude but is completely acceptable due to those words that negate it's severity. I will be honest. This to me is beginning to be complex. People with drug addictions are not necessarily bad people, but an addiction of any sort could possibly be considered "bad." Is the person "bad" or their action? If that person is not bad, what is to say that a serial killer is not a "bad" person, when it's simply their actions that cause them to appear "bad." I know these scenarios are rapidly escalating, but I find it interesting.

If I walk around professing my love of humans and broken heart for children yet can't stand to be near anyone for more than 2 min. am I a loving person because of who I say I am or am I judged on my actions?

Am I defined by what I say I am or what people see me do?

On the other end of the spectrum, people who rarely speak and are very very shy but they give 40 hours a week in a soup kitchen scrubbing floors. That person is not describing themselves, but being who they are. But is that who they are?

Do actions define you?

37: Certain

2010-01-26T09:15:00.003-06:00

Chapter 36: Critics vs. Creatives

2010-01-20T14:31:00.003-06:00

What a thought.

I was sitting, Christmas Day evening, waiting for the new Sherlock Holmes movie to appear on the massive screen before me. I was ready to dive into the previews and see what new creativity Hollywood was birthing. I held my breath, I leaned forward, I was ready, then BOOM! I saw nothing new. Previews for time warped planets and lovers scorned began filling the theatre; previews for another kind underdog suddenly becoming a hero and women covered in sex appeal leading an army of men to victory. I was severely disappointed. I've seen all of this before. I began thinking very very critically. The preview would come and go and I sat unmoved and careless judging director after actor.

Then... it hit me.

I haven't got a better idea!

The idea of the critic vs. creative started evolving on my mind. I was sitting there in agony, begging for creativity, but I had none of my own! What would I change? What scripts am I thinking of? What new effects am I creating? What novel have I written? What surprise ending have I written that hasn't been written before? I hadn't.

So! In an effort to improve upon my skills, I've decided... If I don't like something, watch, learn, and think of a different way to do it. Not for necessarily public knowledge, but get the creative juices flowing!

For example, I am a fan of the new Star Trek movie; however, I was disappointed to see that the premise was based, yet again, on a time shift. Through this movie, they have allowed themselves to essentially re-write all of Star Trek history because of a simple time shift. Star Trek is known for black holes and time warps and shifts. What could they have done to make this movie stand out even more? I don't know at this present time, but I am thinking.

There is always another level.

It is far easier to be a critic than to be creative, but the creative is the undiscovered. Creativity is an adventure. Rather than trekking the jungles of the amazon, we create the ideas of tomorrow.

I want to be a "creative".

Chapter 35: Somethin is on the Wind

2009-12-08T03:22:00.003-06:00

Right now I'm happy. God is great. My life is crazy but focused. My friends are phenomenal. My family is amazing. I'm SO happy.

I do however, sense change.

I hope its just as great as the previous changes in my life have been. They make me better. Whether the change makes me feel awful or makes me want to shout joy to the world, it has made me who I am and who I am wants to keep growing.

I really hope what I think is true. I'm pretty sure its not, but it'd be great if it was.

Chapter 34: Reconsider

2009-11-21T18:08:00.004-06:00

The time in which I've lately left has felt so vain and empty. Does nothing return better? I feel as though questions are my statements and my statements are non-existent. My communication is more feeling and feeling that cannot be communicated. I am speaking into a black abyss. Like dropping a stone into a well waiting for the sound of hitting the bottom, but I hear no sound and there is no bottom. I keep hoping I'll drop a stone and a dove will emerge up from the well like my words have unlocked some great treasure that has been hidden away that needed that stone to hit its lock so it could be freed.

Overdramatic and wishful? Maybe.

Basically I don't see the point unless there's a point.

I've grown exhausted yet competitive. It's like I'm playing a game I'm doomed to lose, but can't give up because that teeny tiny flame in my gut says I can win if I just try harder but then I try harder and I seem to be worse.

Feelings are such tricky things. I sound depressive and defeated, but I am bound to never give up. I don't like this feeling, but I'm so happy to be experiencing it.

This life can only be lived once so giving up is neither option nor idea. Life is too valuable to quit, even for one second. Don't give up. If the good guys give up; if the good guys lay down; if the good guys be quiet, the bad guys win.

Chapter 33: Brightest

2009-11-18T17:00:00.004-06:00

If you find yourself here on my side of town
I'd pray that you'd come to my door
Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about
Cause I don't remember anymore
I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar

And I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she says that i am the brightest little firefly in her jar

Yum. :) What a delectable taste treat sensation.

Chapter 32: To be honest?

2009-11-17T18:52:00.003-06:00

Well... I am not necessarily a planner, but I like to know what's goin on. I don't like surprises, but I love being spontaneous. I like feeling safe and I like being sure.

Now... in answer to this blog title, to be honest, I'm a little shaken, unnerved, and a bit scared. I don't often feel scared, shaky, or nervous (other than speaking in front of large groups). I usually will tackle anything and everything. I speak out, I embarrass myself. I don't really care. Why now?

I was laying in bed waiting for my brain to stop thinking so I could fall into glorious slumber when I began thinking about graduating college. "Oh no. Please no. I'll never sleep now," I thought! Then fear began to grip me.

I have no plans for after college. I have no ideas. I'm not even sure exactly what I want to do. I want to do something more than I honestly think I'm capable of. I want to make more of a difference in life rather than just working. But how? I don't know.

I don't know.

Chapter 31: Life Motto

2009-10-27T00:40:00.003-05:00

In one of my classes, Interpersonal Communication, my teacher wanted all of us to think of a six word life motto. This was VERY difficult for me. Things like this mean a lot to me and I can't pull my usual meaningless words to help me get by. I sat till class was over and still could think of nothing. Since my teacher was waiting, I scribbled down some half-hearted meaningless nothings and left class. I haven't been able to stop thinking of it since... every day, every night it haunts me. It taunts me, laughing at me. It teases, "you don't know what your life is all about!" ...and I savor those words as if they were candy slowly melting on my tongue and rotting my teeth. But alas! I've come to a decision!! My sister utter these words and they grabbed my heart like a crane reaching down to pluck the prized stuffed animal from it's cage and deliver it down a cold metal slide so that it may breathe freedom. ...And this is what she said,

"Well-behaved women won't change the world."

Ay! There's the rub! Laying there tucked behind those six small words (except for the first one which is actually two words of which I made into two so that it could total six) lies my existence. It may not be who I always am, but those words hold what I long to be. A misbehaving history maker! I don't want to be ok with the status quo. I refuse to let mediocrity become my tale. Stories containing no adventure are not re-told, and legends surely are not made of plain. Conformity is a straight line, but a ripple changes the whole thing!

How? I have no answer, but to no avail and God as my witness holiness is what I long for and desperation is on my lips. Without Christ I am nothing and with Him I am everything.

"People without passion are in far more danger than they know." - Bill Johnson

Chapter 30: Being Quiet

2009-10-24T14:17:00.002-05:00

I like being quiet sometimes. I like not having to speak.

Enjoy the silence with me.

Chapter 29: Captured

2009-10-22T02:07:00.003-05:00

I've been captured... and that's all that matters.

Life is a long time. Eternity is longer.

I'd rather spend my life laughing than debating, but I'd rather debate than fake it. How deep is truth? We try and make so much mean more than it actually is, but if we are trying to make something mean something does that mean we are "deep"? What is superficial and what is life? Phones, hair, and nails all pretty uninteresting to me, yet all things I keep up with everyday. So... superficial or life?

What A Bridal Beauty

2009-10-17T22:35:00.003-05:00

Freedom: the power to act or speak or think without externally imposed restraints

I am happy. It's so funny when pure bliss can come in lonely moments. In a room, quietly relaxing, no phone calls, no texts, just a couch. Loneliness has not carried its gloomy disposition; it's giving peace, rest, and serenity.

A point came for me that was not exactly great and I thought that I was never going to get back to the place where I loved EVERYTHING about my life... but I'm here. There's always room for improvement, but when the goal is not hindered by foggy glasses, the unrestrained flight of freedom can soar. Freedom isn't meant to be hindered. Freedom, when restrained is not freedom.

Well, glasses off and arms free, I'm off! Freedom is comfortable. Freedom looks good. Freedom... mmmm.

Breathe.

Everything Undiscovered.

2009-10-13T21:31:00.005-05:00

In my words you will find me;
In my silence and my outburst.
I am nothing that is hidden,
But everything that is undiscovered.

Paired with undiscovered
Is mystery and secret,
What's the lock that holds a secret
When there is no secret?

Rows and rows of similarity
Where one stands alone;
The unearthed root gets no notice
And the gardener keeps digging.

Unearthed.
What is this? Broken and alone?
Can someone stand apart
And maintain an individual heart?

An undetected word,
That's what I am.
I am nothing that is hidden,
But everything that is undiscovered.

The Show Me Confession

2009-10-12T21:43:00.005-05:00

This is what I call a Deep Breath.

Things happen, things don't happen.

We laugh till we can't breath, but we always breathe.

We cry when our hearts feel like they will literally stop working and we will die, but our hearts still beat.

Life isn't a t.v. show; life isn't a movie. Quotes inspire us, so we say "wow" and then forget to hold the door open for someone. So many things are so very special, but as soon as any form of hype or excitement leaves the situation, we don't have to be nice, we don't have to care, and we aren't who we wish we were. We say sorry after every explosion, but ALWAYS forget not to explode. We mess up, we mess up, we mess up. Sometime we are going to have to stop messing up. Attention is rarely gathered for being consistent. Many times the good, decent, truly humble people get ignored because the annoying ones keep saying sorry.

Updates.

2009-10-12T17:55:00.002-05:00

So much happens in a week. Word stopped working on my computer, my grandpa grew more ill, and I've fallen more in love with Jesus.

My grandpa went in for surgery last Thursday. They found more cancer, this time in his bladder, and he can't feel his feet because of nerves being pinched in his spine. His paranoia is growing stronger and he has to be moved to a nursing home (hopefully just for a little while) so he can have the 24 hour care my family can't provide him with. I won't be able to see him till Thanksgiving. :(

My sister has found out her baby will be a girl. Instead of my great suggestion of naming the baby after me, they have decided to name her Nazaria. My siblings all pick very VERY individual names. All of my girls will be named after me and all my boys shall be named after my hubby. Simple.

Jesus is so good. I've been more exhausted than I've ever been these past few weeks, yet God continues to give me strength and guidance. I'm so blessed in every area and I'm learning to be grateful. Thank God for God. God, thanks for being who you are. :)

Loved; Redeemed; Chosen... all synonymous.

2009-09-29T14:39:00.004-05:00

I've embarked on a new adventure this week. I'm facing things I've never faced before... things I never thought I'd have to face.

I like making fake confrontation. I like being sarcastic and creating awkward moments. Now... it's the big leagues. My words could change someone's future. My words could ruin a friendship.

Change has to happen, and that's the scary thing. Faith is produced through change. I'm believing for one thing; I'm trusting for one outcome.

Just when I get too comfortable... okay with how things are-BOOM-change!

I sensed the silence,
I embraced the dark.
You fed my faith,
and I heard Your heart.

Change. It happens or it doesn't. We learn or we don't.

So little Sleep

2009-09-09T00:38:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel weak.

Its in those times (when I feel weak) that I get attacked... and why not?

Most times an enemy will kick you when you're down.

Its in those times I wish Jesus would walk through my dorm room door and hug me.

I'm a hugger.

I like lingering hugs.

Man... I'm tired.

I love that when I'm this weak and tired I still don't have to worry.

I'm still taken care of.

I love Jesus.

I love...

2009-09-06T13:52:00.002-05:00

Its been a long few weeks since the school year has begun. My days feel never ending, but the weeks fly by. Almost every hour of my life is scheduled and projects haven't even begun yet. I love it.

In these past days, I've tried to sit down and write a blog but every time I open this "New Post" tab all words leave me. All I can say is that I'm at peace. I wish there were words to describe my heart. My heart melts almost everyday for one reason or another, mostly because my friends bless me SO incredibly much I can't fathom why I deserve it. And the truth is... I don't. I am blessed.

Sam Popp helped move me in this year when my family didn't. She is amazing. I think quality time and acts of service are my top two love languages and the whole first week I was here Sam did nothing but feed me those two things. I rarely ask for help so when someone sees that I need help and they don't even ask if I need it and they are there when I need them means more to me than anything! That's exactly what Sam did. Thank God for her!

My parents are incredible. I had my first seriously negative work experience at the end of this past summer and the after-affects lingered on and are still dangling over me (they soon will be resolved, hallelujah). My parents protected and defended me when I was hung out to dry. I generally stay so calloused that nothing and no one needs to protect me, but the fact that I didn't ask and they were there to be my covering... I melted :)

My heart melted this past week when a friend of mine did THE most special thing for a girl on my floor. I've told the story a million times but still... every time I think of what he did I am more amazed. No one thinks of other people anymore, but he did. :)

I love hope, I love this year, and I love peace. I love protection, I love covering, and I love having someone.

I love life.

In the silent, somber moments. thu-thump thu-thump

2009-08-10T14:49:00.003-05:00

In two days I embark on my 8hr drive which will lead me into another year at Evangel. (My second, that is) Its going to be different. There is so much that I'm looking forward to. Believe it or not, I can't wait to be back in school. I love learning but mostly I love know that I am pursuing the call God has given me. There are few things I wish not to face, and some will be in this next year. I love change but I think I love consistency more. They say that the things you hate in other people tend to be the very same traits that you yourself contain... maybe the same applies. I love consistency because I am constantly changing. God has taught me the importance of faithfulness this summer. He's given me obvious examples to follow and He's shown me that people can really live the Christian life. There are few out there that are truly giving their all and discipline and being consistent, but they are there. I want to be one of them.

I have had a great summer. As I tell everyone who asks, it started off a bit rough, but that God he saves us from ourselves! Jesus grabbed my heart about a month and a half into the summer and since then I have been living fully alive. I don't know why we forget the one who gives us life, but we do...I do. But He never stops breathing on us, He never turns away.

I'm excited to give my heart fully to whatever I set my hand to. I am excited to be tired. I am excited to be refreshed. I am excited to be broken. I am excited to live. There is so much on the horizon, so many choices, so many options, some of which include switching schools and helping plant a church... my heart desires so many things, but God has called me to Evangel for this time in my life and that is what I am going to do. And WHOLEHEARTEDLY! :)

Needless to say, I am excited.

Shorty McShorty Pants

2009-08-04T13:41:00.002-05:00

I read Revelation 4 this morning and then went on to lead my usual Tuesday morning 1 hour prayer slot.

“Come up here, and I will show you what must happen after this.” And instantly I was in the Spirit..

mmm... how delectable! It didn't take a worship service to get in the Spirit. When called, instantly, we are with God. :) When we present ourselves, instantly we are in the Spirit.

...

Day after day and night after night they keep on saying,

“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God, the Almighty—
the one who always was, who is, and who is still to come.”
...

And they lay their crowns before the throne and say,

“You are worthy, O Lord our God,
to receive glory and honor and power.
For you created all things,
and they exist because you created what you pleased.”

This jumped in my spirit. I was overwhelmed with the glory of God. I started with the song "Light of Your Face" by Misty Edwards and it talks about the God's face shinning on us. Again... the glory of God continued to overwhelm me. As I was singing and worshipping (free styling it :) The verse of Amazing Grace that says, "When we've bee here 10,000 years bright shinning like the sun, we've no less days to sing His praise than when we first begun" I started singing it... to a different tune, but the same words nonetheless. wow! What a picture of eternity. If we worship 24/7 for 10 thousand years, we still have the same amount of time to keep worshipping. Wow.

...and, if we still have all this time and never get tired of worshipping, how amazing must our God be that we could worship and say the same things forever and ever and ever and ever and never stop? How amazing and beautiful and glorious must our God be?

Replaceable.

2009-07-26T19:50:00.003-05:00

I just got back from Chicago this weekend. My church is starting a new plant there focused on multi-ethnic meetings and I feel that I am supposed to be a part of it. Friday night was training where we ate authentic Mexican and Asian food then headed into a meeting where we went over schedules, talked about how many ethnic groups were contained in this small portion of Chicago where we'd be working, and finished up with prayer and worship. There are over 200 ethnic groups in Chicago... over 200! Saturday we drove up toured the Ethnic areas, had a beach outreach where we passed out free water/hot dogs/chips and talked about the church we are going to start. For dinner we had authentic Thai food (yuuummm) and did some street evangelism. Sunday we had our first church service in our building!!! Sunday afternoon we did some more street evangelism then had authentic Mediterranean food (yuuuummm as well:). Then, unfortunately, we went home. Talk about a mission field in my back yard! In this blog, I'll go over a few things I learned personally. :)

1. Just like the title of my blog, I learned that I am replaceable. Anything I do, anything I can do... someone else can do (possibly better). I am capable, I am replaceable, but I GET to do it! God doesn't need me. His will will not be stopped because I didn't want to go. He will get done what he wants done. It's my choice (sorta) if I want to be the one He uses.

2. We took communion Friday night at training. I have been on a few missions trips before to Africa, Spain, ElSalvador, and Guatemala. I have never taken communion before a trip. While we were taking it I realized, "why have I never done this before!" haha When we take communion before a trip like that we are saying... showing that over Christ's dead body will we be stopped. When Jesus gave his life he said, "over my dead body will you be damned" and taking it before the trip... I felt like we were standing in the gap for the people and lives we would reach. ...amazing.

3. If you've read some of my previous posts, you'd see I don't generally give my heart 100% to anything for fear it won't work out, for fear I'll be abandoned for pride, and for fear of hurt. I was standing there Friday and I realized... hey! I want to be here. I want to be broken! I get so upset that I can't cry, but the reason is I haven't allowed myself to be hurt for anyone. I want my heart to be so involved that I can't help be broken for those who come... for those who don't come. I WANT TEARS! haha

4. We have amazing people at my church! I had the chance to get to know some people I've never really talked to before. Our children's ministry leader is incredible! We walked around Chicago talking vision, sharing hearts, and encouraging each other. She broke and cried several times because she has given her heart to children. I love it! Thank God for Traci Marcotte! :)

Well... a lot of good stuff happened, but I think I blog too much. I shall stop. I love Chicago. I love Living Stones. I feel the ground pulsating while it waits for the arrival of revival. I learned this weekend that Chicago has never experienced a city wide revival. It has had pockets, but nothing city-wide. ...I think it's been waiting for such a time as this. If only I didn't have to go so far away back to school! I know it's all in Gods timing though and he will use me where he wants.

ok.. I'm really done. :)

Tonight the Stars Speak

2009-07-23T12:56:00.005-05:00

After the last blog I wrote I found myself scouring high ways and bi ways (or any street I happened to drive on) looking for broken down cars I could stop and ask if they needed help. There weren't any. ...I realize now that I was trying to use helping people as a compensation for my quiet time with the Lord. In no way does this realization negate or diminish the importance of acting out the scripture in Isaiah that says,

"Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;
lighten the burden of those who work for you.
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people.
Share your food with the hungry,
and give shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
and do not hide from relatives who need your help."

The realization I had seems to describe the earlier verses in this same passage.

"You humble yourselves
by going through the motions of penance,
bowing your heads
like reeds bending in the wind.
You dress in burlap
and cover yourselves with ashes.
Is this what you call fasting?
Do you really think this will please the Lord?"

How am I supposed to help anyone if I'm not pleasing the Lord?

I haven't been faithful to the God who created me.

I have traded personal relationship for false humility.

Yuck.

I'm vomiting this ugly truth (before my millions of readers) so that it is confessed. It, however does not end there. Confession isn't healing. Confession isn't resolution, it's nowhere near it. Confession leads to change and change leads to forgiveness and forgiveness takes us to resolution. (Take that Rob Bell! haha)

My point is... I'm not who I look like I am. The truth is I... I'm not faithful to anyone I don't have to be. If you ask me, I'll be there. If you tell me, I'm yours. If you don't... I don't.

This is me.

Yuck.

Thank God for redemption.

"Tonight the Stars Speak" -The Glorious Unseen

Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory, Oh lord

How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry be my strength when I am weak
Oh Lord have mercy on me please

My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak
I cry in your arms now
God grant me the strength to rest in you
I lift my hands and cry

Dirty Hands... or not so dirty

2009-07-16T15:54:00.002-05:00

I write on here, not because thousands flock everyday to hang on each word my white fingers type, but because I gotta get this out. I'm pretty sure no one reads this or really cares that I write it, but jeez!! I just gotta say something!

I feel handicapped.

There are several stories I have been hearing of lately of women, families, sons, daughters, fathers, and mothers have been faced with.... but no one is helping. Case in point, a lady at church is living with her boyfriend because she and her little son literally have nowhere to go. When telling the story, people in our church were asking questions and trying to find resolve for the situation. She was open to anything, but every option failed her. She had tried and she had tried everything. My heart broke. If only I could take this woman and her son in, care for them, and see them restored. She just needed somewhere to stay for a short period until she could get married to her marvelous boyfriend. When someone posed this question to the small meeting of people I was in... I wanted to... to... I don't know! "Who here could take this woman in for a short time? Isn't there anyone?" The room of 200 people sat silent. No one answered. In 200 of our churches "loving" christians, no one could/would help. What the heck!? I understand that no everyone could... but not one? I sat there and texted as fast as I could to my mom to see if (being that my dad was laid off and is now around all the time and it'd be more sensible than the woman living with us) the boyfriend could live with us till he was married. My dad, being anxious this would cost money said... no. When did our fists become so tight with our money? Aren't we as Christians supposed to live with an "open-hand" philosophy? Nothing we have is ours, so GIVE!?

In another situation, I have a friend who's family life is screwed up. Her mother is barely in the picture, treats her like garbage. She was sick, her mother was out with her boyfriend 45 min away at all times, her father moved to Alabama. She had no one. A doctor from our church took her in. Her mother got jealous and all of the sudden wanted what she couldn't have. Being that the mother wanted to be in the picture, her guardians took a step back. So did the mother. This girl is still left alone and with no one to treat her as family. Breaks my heart. She is a good friend of mine so... we were talking. She feels like no one cares. When at church people always ask how she is, but if she gives anymore than a "good" or "fine" they get distracted and magically have been called away. Where is the stinkin church in this? Are we not the ones who are to take in the orphaned, the widowed, the homeless, and the weary? Are we not supposed to let Jesus be medicine through us?

The church has gotten comfortable with looking good! And I'm the church! When was the last time I saw someone stranded on the side of the road and helped? When was the last time I saw someone with a "need money" sign and gave money? When was the last time the church got its hands dirty and stinking was the church!? I want to give... but. There is always a but.

I feel so handicapped.

Ice Cream and Dirt

2009-07-14T16:39:00.007-05:00

My mom says I'm withdrawn
My dad wants my money

I was once swept off my feet

I broke my nose.

--Renee Shamp

Two stories I wish to share.

2009-07-13T23:03:00.003-05:00

I always wish what I'm feeling would fall onto the keys of my computer like an aurora borealis falls onto the black canvas of outer space... but no.

I was talking with one of my friends the other day. He is a singer/song writer (he'll probably be famous someday soon) and he was sharing some new tunes with me. They were beautiful. Every line waited to be unwrapped. Each word was crawling with hidden meaning. I heard, understood and then watched as the song encased an entirely different feeling. He did an excellent job at capturing how people are only through music.

Then...he wanted to hear a few of mine. Ha! I am simple, write what I mean. You hear it, plain, simple, there you have it. I was intimidated.

(There is no point to this one, just sharing my feelings :)

----------

I had lunch with a different friend of mine. We ate, talked recent events in our lives, ya know, small talk... then the conversation faded. Neither of us were close with each other, so our friendship is pretty surfacy so neither of us knew what to really talk about next.

In an effort to keep this wonderful afternoon of fun interaction lively, he simply offered: "I have two zits. One on either side of my nostrils."

Then... we ate.

hahaha :) I love my life!

I think I blog too much.... (but its summer)

2009-07-08T23:11:00.003-05:00

I LOVE when people gush!

I LOVE seeing sincere, un-restrained commitment to something or someone.

I think I admire it so much because this is something I have a hard time doing. I almost fear saying something out loud because...what if it doesn't happen or last? I love thinking about the future, but I hate to say anything for sure about experiencing life with anyone for fear they will not be there in the future and I can then be ridiculed by my faith in someone who failed me. I know I don't ridicule people, things happen, and in general the people I surround myself with do the same... but its so hard.

Even thinking back to different events or programs I was involved with. I did it to the best of my ability, but there was a portion of my heart that held back. I didn't completely let go. I'm talking not people here... a video tour I was involved with. Not till it was over was I proud of it and sad it was over without me being full-heartedly in it!

It scares me when friends of mine talk about the future, even things such as getting an apartment next summer together. I, with everything in me, am all for it... but to tell them that? What if they back out? What if I make my plans and they bail? I will be left in the dust. I will be wrong.

This sounds like pride when I say it, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like... I don't know.

I long for the day when I have a public commitment both ways that no matter what will stand by what they say.

I'm looking....

Waiting....

but, what got me on this...

I read someone's blog about their new girlfriend. He's in college, so it's not a silly 14 yr-old fling, but still...who knows what will happen; however, he wrote a good long paragraph about his love for this girl. He's in amazement about everything about her. Ugh! It's beautiful!! He's known her a week. haha I love it!! Un-restrained, un-relenting, pure... love. :)

3 in a row..

2009-07-08T01:27:00.003-05:00

This is my third blog pretty much in a row.

I HATE when guys put the wink emoticon in anything.... puke.

there is no way to be more disgusting.

it's bad enought when girls do it.

who winks in the middle of everything you say, unless of coarse you have contracted a wierd illness or have a twitch.

personal opinion of coarse... ;)

(i just threw up in my mouth)

Call To Fall

2009-07-08T00:03:00.002-05:00

This past Sunday night, my church, Living Stones Church, (not sure if comma use is correct) started a week of harp and bowl prayer called "Call to Fall" I wasn't able to attend Sunday because of a prior engagement, but Monday night I played bass. We started out with worship and then sat down for about twenty minutes while our senior pastor, Ron Johnson Sr. shucked the stinkin corn!

My pastor spoke about praying crazy prayers. He went throughout scripture using prayers and miracles as examples. One thing he talked about was when the water had been bad since the people could remember. A prophet came, threw salt in it, and it was fresh...even to this day. You can go there and see the "place he threw the salt in". How amazing. I was almost in tears... (our Pastor is EXTREMEly annointed) To think: our God is so big, the miracle is still being miraculous. That miracle is still being a miracle!! A prophetic act done so long ago is still going.... still going.... still going... after how many years? That was an Old Testament miracle. I know this isn't new knowledge, but I just soaked it in! Our God is still moving like he moved so many years ago, all we have to do is activate the power within us by stinkin SPEAKIN! By Prayer. Do it! Pray crazy prayers!!

Along the same note... I just finished (last night at 1am) reading Red by Ted Dekker. It is the second in this series of his, and near the end the main character and his wife were discovering that this healing water they once knew to heal ANY infirmity still worked, they had just stopped believing. All this time they thought that it had lost it's power, but it was simply their vision of the water that had changed. I related this to what I talked about in the previous paragraph... The miracles and the power of God is exactly the same as it has always been, we have simply ceased to take hold of that power and use it! This probably doesn't make much sense if you haven't read the book...so, read it :) It's great!!

Anyways...

...

2009-07-08T00:03:00.001-05:00

Some people are annoying... even in a photo.

Smong Tong Long Fong Shong Thong Mong Nong WRONG!

2009-07-02T18:19:00.000-05:00

I'm discovering I'm usually wrong. I misjudge, I make opinions, I say things, I think things and whether it takes a long time or within a week, I find I'm wrong. I hated apple, now have one. I hated love, now and waiting for it. I dyed my hair when I was younger, now look back and look awful. Small or large, I'm wrong. It's making me afraid to say anything that I care for in fear that shortly thereafter it will turn around and bite me on my very white hand. :( haha, I guess my point is I am rarely positive on any decision... but, it's ok. Jesus has me pre-destined for great things!

Gloom Doom and Late for Work

2009-07-02T09:24:00.000-05:00

There seems to be so much fear and sadness everywhere I look, not just from people in general, but from my christian brothers and sisters. How is this so? We have Jesus...end of story!! Be encouraged, it's not over! I know you know this, but considering where we are living, the fact we breathe, the simple things...all God-given, God-breathed. There is nothing outside of Him. There is no differentiation between His world and life, secular and sacred. It's all sacred, it's all inclusive. PLUS...when we become saved, Christ is within us... so literally, who am I outside of Christ? No one. His dna has taken over my life. We all need answers, we all get overwhelmed, including me, but while I am up I will lift you up. When I am down, I count on you to lift me up. This is the body. This is the church.

I was reading yesterday, Rob Bell, and he was speaking of us as tour guides. We speak of going to other nations and taking Jesus with us and enlightening people of the unknown, but it's got to be more than telling. We, if we have experienced, are simply showing and telling of how God has changed us; being a tour guide through things we have already experienced. I thought, "yes, he is right, this is good." I underlined a few lines then thought, "whoa... when was the last time I shared my Jesus experience with anyone?" I was convicted! My church has this phenomenal plan. If everybody in the church could lead just one person to the Lord this year, our body would essentially be doubled in one year. Have I even gotten one in the past two-three years? No. I am embarrassed of this, but just being transparent. It's tough, I work in Christian environments... but I go out, I have access to the world. I have access to souls... I've gotta get outta me and start utilizing what God has given me.

...

I have less than six weeks before I head back to Evangel. :)) I cannot tell you how excited I am! But...I will try.
-I am excited to be an R.A.
-I am excited to do floor activities
-I am excited to continue and pursue my dreams through getting a college degree
-I am excited to be with friends
-I am excited to continue and be molded
-I am excited to keep peeling off old layers
-I am excited, haha, for lunches :)
-I am excited for a brother floor (fingers crossed)
-I am excited for pranks
-I am excited for games
-I am excited for people
yeah, that's just a little taste.. I've never been good at describing feelings. haha, but there is so much in store this year, I know it will be amazing.

Another reason I'm so excited is because I dealt with something that was destroying me! When I got home this summer, I didn't want to be here at all. I couldn't think of somewhere I did want to be, but I knew it wasn't here. As the summer wore on I thought it'd go away, but it didn't. I kept pressing in and praying, but this feeling (indescribable feeling) was killing me on the inside. I didn't want to do anything, yet I wasn't depressed. I laughed, I worked, I worshipped, I prayed. I slowly came to the realization that this feeling wouldn't fade just because I was back at school. It needed to be dealt with before I was even ready to go back or it'd ruin my year. :( I didn't want a ruined year. So, in my quiet time, I just sat silent on my bed and waited. No reading, no speaking, no other jobs. Me and God. Silent.

After a while, my mind started telling me all the things I needed to do, but I knew if I just waited, the Lord would come. He did. :) He never has left me... ever :) All he spoke to me was, "You have Jesus, end of story. Get over it." haha, I love the Lord! He speaks to me just how I learn. Boom, there it is, learn. I still have no idea what that feeling was, but it's gone. Save the drama for somebody else, cause I have Jesus. Such a simple answer, but it's one that takes care of everything. :) yay!! Can't wait for next school year!! less than six weeks!! Hallelujah!!

:)))))))

That's My Promise

2009-06-25T10:40:00.000-05:00

Hello what is your name?
What do you do? And what is your age?
I know, strange way to greet.
But you said you had to meet.
I smiled, and haven’t stopped since.
When I looked away you became my prince.
You said Beautiful words.
I smiled, I nodded so you’d be assured
You took it twice and three times,
beggin for just a few lines
“Can’t you say anything?”
When it comes to saying yes,
I am trying my best
But I can’t let it out.
I keep it all concealed
then you ask me how I feel
I don’t know what to say.
I think we both know there has got to be more
If you wait one more second I’ll show you what you’ve been waiting for

This is my promise
When all words have failed
Watch what I do
Cause I won’t leave you
When you’re all alone
And you feel so low
I’ll take your hand
I’ll help you stand
That’s my promise

In Other News

2009-06-23T15:20:00.000-05:00

I got my tuition money in order, total provision from the Lord :) and I am as ready as the day I came home to go back! I let too much get to me at the beginning of the summer, and as I look back over the short two months it's been, I see that there has been nothing to fret about whatsoever. *get it in your head, Pam* *get it in your head, Pam*

Also, I think I have acquired my third job!! I work for my church as an intern doing promotional videos and short commercials for the Sunday services, I work for another man out of his basement scanning school transcripts from the 50's to the 80's, and now, my evenings will be filled with the smell of bread and soup as I have spoken with the manager of my old job at Panera Bread. Yes, I will be going back to my old digs. I am happy for the work, sad that its back at Panera. Nothing wrong with Panera, just not my favorite job. Anyway... HALLELUJAH for work :)

Becoming Pamela (this one's too long...)

2009-06-23T13:18:00.000-05:00

So, as I said before, I just finished reading "Fight Like A Girl" by Lisa Bevere. Let me say, I have read seldom other "meant for girls" books because the ones that I have read and the Women's groups at churches I have been to all speak incessantly about being a princess and having pink dresses and waving a magic girl wand and being beautiful and ladi-da-di-da-ing and having no brain! This is NOT EVER who I want to be! So, I was driving back to school from Colorado this past December (2008) after an amazing snowboarding trip (my first time) and the girls that were in the car decided to listen to a pod cast. I am all about podcasting. LOVE it. It's like reading, but not reading. :) They turned on Lisa Bevere. This was my first Bevere experience. I had read a few John Bevere books, but at a time when I didn't really pay attention to what I was reading.

Anyway...Lisa began speaking in her sermon about gender roles. I immediately began thinking, "oh great, a 15-million hour trip of 'BE A PRINCESS!'" To my wondrous surprise, it was nothing like that! Lisa said something along these lines, "Women try to be this powerful warrior all the time with this tough exterior. They try to be a loud voice... constantly. Women in this day and age try to be masculine. Look at the flip side. When men try to be like women, they lose ALL their power, don't they. We see them as weak, because they are. How is it any different for a woman who tries to be a man?" In her book she talks about the strengths of a woman. How often we try to be a voice for fear someone will stop listening, when what we are doing is actually pushing people away. UGH! WHAT A REVELATION! This has not left me since I heard it. I knew I had to get her book and devour it. I was totally this way...tough all the time, walls to everyone. I talked, walked, and spoke like a boy. I always had more guy friends than girls, but mostly because girls were full of drama. Guys were more fun.

Anyway, I started reading her book and I identified with almost everything. I never read a book where I wanted to underline every single line. haha :) It took me a while to get through this book, not because it's long but because every line dripped with something for me. Every word was like drinking a gallon of water. I can't drink that fast! In one part of the book Lisa talks about how we act like a boy because a boy is what we want. It's like as I was reading it, I was learning to act it out. I began letting people in. Another part of her book talked about woundings. We put up walls because we are afraid of getting hurt. Doesn't the Bible clearly state Love Never Fails? I'm not talking about this willy-nilly stuff, but real, God love. It will never fail. I knew this, but have been hurt several times. If I open up again, I am simply setting myself up for hurt again, however, a life without that love...a life deprived of relationship is not a life worth living. We were created for relationship. With God, and man. When we were birthed from Adam, it was our immediate role: relationship. If we wall ourselves up, we are giving up of what God created for us. This blew my mind! ...then, shortly after reading this, God gave me an exercise... I know that God has planned everything and I know that it was a definately learning experience for me. I got a little taste of something and it's changed me. I look at everything through different lenses. I love God's timing in teaching me, then letting me exercise it. Life is good. Life is worth living. I'm still learning, hopefully always will, and I love it.

Peacemakers vs. Peacekeepers

2009-06-19T16:57:00.001-05:00

I go to a church where we believe strongly in something we call "life groups." Life groups are small groups held within the leader's home (or central location) where we meet, worship together, pray, and chew on a lesson handed down from the pastoral staff. This week's lesson was on the difference between Peacemakers and Peacekeepers. As we were discussing this differences, some beautiful truths came out. A peacekeeper is one that "holds down the fort" or keeps people happy. Instead of making change, this peacekeeper makes sure there is no change. No waves, no out of the ordinary moves, nothing. The peacekeeper makes people content with being the same. After all, when everything stays the same, what is there to make waves about anyway? On the flip side, a peacemaker is a wave maker, wave jumper, and wave runner! haha! Peacemaker's make the fun while peacekeepers quench it! Peacemaker's battle, give up themselves, and maintain victory through anything and everything. Peacemakers bring forth change. One of my favorite quotes is by Tom Dueschelle. He said that many times we picture God as a peace fairy flying and fluttering about with a magic wand "bing!" you have peace! However, scripture clearly states that "the God of PEACE will soon crush Satan!" To me, a God who has crushed Satan doesn't flutter about with a pink dress on all day! My God brings forth change.

Quick thought

2009-06-16T12:03:00.000-05:00

I'm reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell right now (just finished up Fight Like a Girl by Lisa Bevere, rocked my socks off!) and loved this little part, so.. enjoy!

"In order to bind and loose, we must understand that the Bible did not drop out of the sky. It was written by people. People who told stories and passed on oral traditions and sat down and wrote things with a pen and paper. The Bible originated from real people in real places at real times.

It is poems and stories and letters and accounts. It is people interacting with other people in actual space and time. It is God interacting with people in actual space and time. We cannot ignore this.

To take statements made in a letter from one person living in a real place at a moment in history writing to another person living in a real place out of their context and apply them to today without first understanding their original context sucks the life right out of them. They aren't isolated statements that float, unattached out in space.

They aren't first and foremost timeless truths.

We may, and usually do, find timeless truths present in the Bible, but it is because they were true in real places for real people at real times.

I heard somebody recently refer to the Bible as "data". That person was in an intense discussion about what the Bible teaches about a certain issue, and he disagreed with someone else so he sai, "I don't see that data for your position."

Data?

The Bible is not pieces of information about God and Jesus and whatever else we take and apply to situations as we would a cookbook or an instruction manual.

And while I'm at it, let's make a group decision to drop once and for all the Bible-as-owner's-manual metaphor. IT's terrible. It really is.

When was the last time you read the owner's manual for your toaster? Do you find it remotely inspiring or meaningful?

You only refer to it when something's wrong with your toaster. You use it to fix the problem, and then you put it away.

We have to embrace the Bible as the wild, uncensored, passionate account of people experiencing the living God."

BOOM ROASTED! as I like to say. Rob Bell is a modern day philosopher. He thinks, and knocks what we are used to seeing and believing out of the water. Now, be careful. If you don't know what you're grounded in, anyone who talks well can move you. Get grounded, then get your mind blown! READ!! I love it!! :)

Moment upon moment upon moment upon moment upon moment up.....

2009-06-16T12:02:00.000-05:00

In my quiet time I began seeking the Lord and asking to go back. I felt like I was at the bottom. A bottom that had no bottom. My visit to this bottomless bottom was not my first. Right now, I'm frustrated and stressed out, both of which make me want to stay in my bed all day. Its comforting, cozy, and people rarely find me when I'm hidden in my cushy blankets (it's my secret place:)... however, I can't. Anyway, here I am, seeking the Lord asking to go back.

I remember a time I woke up, out of my sleep singing, "I dream to hold you in my arms. I dream to hold you in my arms, wide awake in my arms." (yes, In My Arms by Jon Foreman, great song) I remember waking up thinking of the day when I will be wed to Jesus, the lover of my soul. WIDE AWAKE, being held in His arms, looking at Jesus face to face. Looking into the eyes of eternity, and my heart not partially in it (like my heart tends to be), but fully and wholly diving in to what is in store. I was SO in love with Jesus, I awoke from my sleep yearning to be in His arms. Then... somewhere, I slowly replaced that morning moment with busyness. Each morning after that, I began to forget. When everything then passed away or left, I felt empty. I so slowly traded that moment, thinking it would last simply because it happened. So, here I am, at rock bottom, crying, and alone, praying to go back. I want to go to that moment and never leave it, never lose what I gave up. Then, in that moment, I took a breath and these words left my lips, "I don't want a memory, I want a moment.-----I don't want a memory, I want a moment. --- Moment upon moment upon moment upon moment of you."

After experiencing this wave of intimacy, I realized its not enough to remember... I have to live the life I so often talk about. I find myself reminiscing about what the Lord has done more so than living out what He can do. I gotta start living moment upon moment upon moment upon moment. One experience hasn't and will not last more than one moment. Every minute has to be an experiential moment. Every second has to be one well lived, well felt.

Passionate,

Pamela